Nov. 8--BFF, which stands for best friends forever, may be common text-messaging shorthand. And TV may have its inseparable pairs with "Friends'" Monica and Rachel, "I Love Lucy's" Lucy and Ethel and "Seinfeld's" Jerry and George. But the truth is that most friendships aren't forever. And when they end, these platonic breakups can be as painful as the demise of a romantic love affair.

"There's this myth that good friends can keep friends forever. In fact, most friendships fall apart over time," said psychologist Irene Levine, a professor at New York University's School of Medicine and author of the book "Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend."

As people's lives change, it can become difficult to relate to friends with whom you once shared much in common. These friendships can fade over time.

In other instances, breakups are sudden. A betrayal or disappointment can quickly fracture a friendship built over years, even decades.

The end of a friendship is something most people experience at least once in their lifetime, but it remains a taboo topic. People are hesitant to discuss losing or letting go of friends because they feel like they're being disloyal or failing by breaking the BFF pact, said the Chappaqua, N.Y.-based Levine, a blogger for The Huffington Post and Psychology Today.

For her book, released in September, Levine conducted an online survey of more than 1,500 women. As long as she promised anonymity, people were happy to share their experiences with friendship breakups.

Levine concentrated her research on women, but Geoffrey Greif turned the spotlight on men with his 2008 book, "Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships." Greif, a professor of social work at the University of Maryland and a licensed therapist, worked with his students to interview about 400 men for the book. He also talked to about 120 women to compare how the two genders view friendship.

"Men have shoulder-to-shoulder friendships. Women have face-to-face friendships," he said.

Levine concurred, observing, "Men want to do things together. Women just want to be together."

Just as the two genders have distinct approaches to making and keeping friends, they tend to end friendships differently as well. Greif found that men don't tend to hold grudges as much as women, but they're also more willing to drop a friend. What men as a rule don't like, the Baltimore, Md.-based Greif said, is dwelling on their emotions and living in a friendship "gray area."

Tony Bell, a 32-year-old welder from Vancouver, said he wishes he'd been more willing to discuss his feelings with a former friend, rather than let tension build until the relationship imploded.

About a year ago, Bell made friends with a neighbor. Soon they were hanging out nearly every day, dropping in on each other, having a beer, going golfing. But Bell is a self-described introvert, and likes to have time to himself after work to read or nap.

His friend didn't respect their personality differences, Bell said.

"He started calling me 'bookmark' and busting on me because I like to be alone a lot. Instead of trying to explain our differences, I let it go," Bell said.

One day, while he was napping, his friend knocked on his door and Bell didn't answer. The knocking became banging and shouting, and the friend started throwing sticks at his window. The friend had lost his phone and wanted Bell to call it so he could hunt it down through the ring tone.

Bell says he doesn't have much of a temper, but that he got so frustrated by his friend's aggressive and rude behavior that he punched a wall. They later got into a shouting match, ending the friendship.

Looking back, Bell wishes he'd done things differently.

"I guess I should have tried to set boundaries in the beginning and talked to him directly about how I felt," Bell said.

But communication only works if it's two-way. A 46-year-old stay-at-home mother and substitute teacher from Vancouver, who asked that her name not be used, discovered this a couple years ago when she lost a neighbor and a friend.

She and her family were good friends with another household across the street. The children played together, the husbands had gone to college together and worked in the same field, and the wives would spend hours in their front yards talking and laughing.

The substitute teacher's friend's family needed more space, so they were debating between adding onto their home and moving. She offered to support the friend no matter the decision. The friend cut her out of the loop, taking her up on baby-sitting offers to run mysterious errands that turned out to be house-hunting. She didn't know they were moving until the U-Haul truck showed up.

The substitute teacher felt hurt and deceived. She wrote the former friend a letter explaining her feelings, wishing the woman well, and saying it was best if they weren't in each other's lives anymore.

Ending the friendship gave her a sense of peace, but it wasn't an easy decision to make. Adding to the awkwardness, the women's husbands remain friends, which is why the substitute teacher asked to remain anonymous.

It's appropriate when ending a friendship to take time to make sure it's what you really want, said Levine, the author.

"Our friendships are kind of memory books of our lives. They're not something you want to easily cast aside, but, realistically, our lives change," she said.

Navigating a breakup

The reasons friendships end vary, but certain contributing factors tend to play a role, said Kit Corey, a counselor with Solutions Employee Assistance in Vancouver who has worked in the mental health field for more than 35 years.

Common sources of tension in friendships include disagreements about values and lifestyle choices (religion, politics, parenting styles) and feelings of abandonment or neglect. The latter often occurs when one person goes through a change, such as getting married, having a baby or starting a new job, and has less time for the friendship. The other person sometimes feels left out, jealous or resentful.

Friendships can end in a gradual growing apart or a traumatic blowout triggered by a slight or betrayal, real or perceive, Corey said. Dramatic endings can happen when one party falls short of expectations and does something considered unforgiveable. Failing to meet expectations often amounts to not being there for important milestones such as births, deaths, weddings and other times of need.

Regardless of the cause, friendship breakups can be painful and awkward. To help navigate the process of ending a friendship, consider these insights from Corey, Levine and Greif.

1. Make sure a breakup is what you really want.

Breaking up is hard to do and even harder to undo. Reconciliation may be possible, but the friendship won't return to the same level of intimacy, Levine said.

Before ending a friendship altogether, examine whether scaling it back might be an option, she said.

Also consider what the friendship brings to and takes from your life.

"Be honest with yourself about how much you get out of the relationship," Corey said, adding that it can be helpful to ask yourself how you typically feel after spending time with this person.

2. Hedge your bets with a wide network of friends.

Expect one friend to meet all your needs and you're likely to wind up disappointed -- and with an overburdened friend.

"People need more than one best friend. One person can't fulfill all your needs," Levine said.

Having multiple friends is healthy, Greif added.

"The more diversified and the wider your social network, the better your well-being," he said.

3. Consider breaking up via letter.

A breakup letter might seem cold, but it can be a good way to communicate a tough message.

"It gives you time to choose your words and your friend time to process," Levine said.

4. Total honesty may not be the best policy.

When breaking up with a friend, it's unnecessary and unkind to rattle off a laundry list of everything you dislike about him or her, Levine said.

A white lie, saying you're busy with work or your family and don't have enough time to devote to the friendship, may be a good tactic.

"Do it with as much grace and understanding as you can," Levine said. "You want her to leave the relationship feeling dignified and whole."

5. Learn from the experience and move forward.

Take some time for introspection, and consider how both parties contributed to the breakup, Corey said.

"Do some soul-searching and think about your behavior, but recognize that part of the equation was the other person," she said.

Breakups hurt, but don't let them stop you from getting close to people again.

"Make new friends, move on," Levine said.

Mary Ann Albright: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , 360-735-4507.

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