WALNUT CREEK, Calif. _ Everything changed when Hayward, Calif.'s Angela Rivera lost her 31-year-old son in a hit-and-run accident the morning after they celebrated her Aug. 1 birthday last year.

She stopped working. Her interests faded.

Three months after Diego Rivera's unexpected death, she had to face celebrating Thanksgiving when she wasn't feeling very thankful. And Christmas, she says, was just plain sad without Diego around. He used to bring presents and cards to everyone and brighten up the room with his smile.

"My mind was totally on my son and everything seemed not real," she says. "When I lost my son, I felt like I was half-dead. I felt like I was in a nightmare."

Part of the reason we celebrate the holidays is to spend time with our loved ones. But when a loved one dies _ whether it be a tragic death like Diego's or an expected one _ the holidays can be tough for those left behind.

"When someone dies, the possibility to have that Hallmark family holiday is lost," says Lee Ann Morgan, a marriage and family therapist and manager of Hospice of the East Bay's Center for Grief and Loss.

For example, a hospice client and her family celebrated holiday dinners together and her husband cooked the meals. When her husband died, the entire family was at a loss about how to celebrate without him. He was the center of their meal and celebration.

"Those left behind think that it will never be the same, and it won't," Morgan says.

Coping with the holidays when you're grieving takes time, work and permission to do what feels right for you, say experts.

Angela Rivera used to have Thanksgiving at a family member's house every year. But when Diego died, the family decided to celebrate Thanksgiving at Mimi's Cafe in San Leandro, Calif., instead.

"The atmosphere was good for us because of the music and the decorations," Rivera says.

Over Christmas, Rivera decided she wasn't going to put up her lights or decorations. She bought a few gifts, less than usual, and attended fewer holiday celebrations. She just didn't feel up to it.

Altering traditions is a good coping strategy, experts say. Morgan suggests changing plans and expectations when the holidays come up after a death _ go to a restaurant or take a cruise rather than try to recreate the same holiday with an obviously missing piece of the puzzle.

DIFFERENT IS OK

"Give yourself permission to have it be different," she says. "Instead of decorating a tree this year, have a pizza and go to the movies until you're ready to do the traditional celebrations again."

Zoe Collins, clinical supervisor for Davis Street Family Resource Center in San Leandro, says accepting fewer invitations to parties is also OK when you're grieving.

"Be realistic about what you can and can't do," she says. "Don't put the focus on that one day."

Friends and family can help a grieving person during the holidays by extending multiple invitations to get together, for parties or just one-on-one time, and not being offended by a rejection.

And Morgan suggests people in mourning should develop an exit strategy if they do decide to attend a holiday function, and plan what to say if they need to leave the party early.

When her son Michael died in a car accident in November eight years ago, Oakley's Karen Kelly worried about how she would get through the holidays without him.

"It was horrible," says Kelly. the director of Our Healing Hearts, a nonprofit organization that provides support for mothers who have lost children. "The anticipation of the holidays was almost worse than when Christmas actually came around."

REMEMBERING WISHES

Some of Michael's friends came over to her house and helped put up a Christmas tree for the family. It was a real tree rather than the plastic one the family always used to have because Mike requested one the year before he died.

In the eight years since her son's death, the holidays have gotten easier, she says. Her family has developed new rituals, like decorating Michael's grave with a lighted tree, to help them through.

These new rituals are also important in healing, says psychologist and "The Empty Chair" author Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge.

"Grieving people both want and need to remember their deceased love one and using some form or ritual or family tradition is a good way to help that happen," she says. Make a toast in memory of the person, say a prayer or participate in a candle-lighting ceremony in their honor.

Zonnebelt-Smeenge adds that families can help a grieving person by talking about the deceased person when the family gathers. Death can sometimes be the "elephant in the room" if family and friends are silent about the missing loved one.

They're still here

Hospice's Morgan says some families go further than just talking about the deceased by choosing to decorate a holiday table with a seat open for the missing loved one. Sometimes, she says, they place a picture of the deceased at the chair and tell stories about him or her throughout dinner.

"You don't ignore that they're gone," she says.

Finally, the experts agree that a grieving person should reach out to others through ceremony, support groups or individual counseling. There are several grief workshops _ one-time events _ offered by hospice organizations throughout the East Bay and Peninsula. Also, support groups, which meet frequently, are being formed regularly.

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COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS

_Predict it is going to be a challenge and decide how you'd like to move forward.

_Make plans according to how you feel instead of other people's expectations.

_Pay attention to your physical health by exercising and drinking plenty of water. Avoid alcohol and sweets.

_Express your emotions verbally and in writing.

_Talk about your lost loved one with someone close to you.

_Keep a balance between doing everything and doing nothing.

_Do things you previously enjoyed.

_Try new things.

_Buy a gift for your loved one and donate it to charity.

_Control soothing, but unhealthy, urges such as shopping too much, eating too much or drinking too much alcohol.

_Give yourself permission to have the holidays be what you want them to be.

_Realize that no one's grief is exactly like yours.

_If you have grieving children, attend to their grief as well as yours.

_Join a support group or take a class on dealing with grief.

Sources: Lee Ann Morgan and Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge.

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(c) 2009, Contra Costa Times (Walnut Creek, Calif.).

Visit the Contra Costa Times on the Web at http://www.contracostatimes.com.

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