One is aculprit, the other avictim. But did you know that they both suffer from low self- esteem?

SMRIDHI SODHI is just another 17- year- old — she's carefree, bubbly and has a mind of her own, but life wasn't the same for her when she was 12. " I was bullied around in class. A group of children bombarded me with their taunts — about the way I look, the way I talk, the way I walk. It was the worst phase of my life," Sodhi recalls. As expected, her selfesteem went for a toss. And the worst part: Her parents didn't know zilch about her trauma.

Sodhi was a victim of bullying but she decided to fight back. She figured out very early in life that if those self- proclaimed princesses considered her a nobody, it was because they did not have a very high opinion about themselves either. Both, the victim and the bully suffer from low self- esteem.

" I was emotionally shattered. I could not talk to my parents so I told my teachers about it. They counselled those students, called their parents and made sure it wasn't repeated again," says Sodhi. " Now I have learnt to face such situations. I know that talking to my parents would have helped me a lot," she says.

Children often shy away from talking to their parents about their trauma. " There are many children who are not confident enough to face their parents. The parents usually start blaming the child and make him feel more ashamed and guilty," says Geetanjali Kumar, student counsellor, Hansraj Model School.

HOW IT ALL BEGINS

THREE years ago, Radhika Deewan blamed her son, 11- year- old Abhay, when he complained that a boy beat him up in his class for no apparent reason. " Abhay was in the canteen and he accidentally nudged the school bully, who spilt his lunch on his uniform. They had an argument that ended with my son being beaten up. When he came back home with his shirt in tatters and told me what happened, instead of sympathising with him, I scolded him and told him it must have been his fault because he is always so clumsy," she says.

Deewan realised her mistake when she got a call from her son's teacher. " I was told that he had been picking up fights with the other boys in his class. I learnt that blaming my son the first time was a huge mistake. I should have been more understanding and should have empathised with him instead of scolding him. It had turned him into a potential monster," she says. Abhay is now one of those famous boys, who need to be ' respected' in school... or else! Apart from the victim turning into a bully himself, bullying has several other side effects. Says Kusum Kanwar, head of schools - operations, Kangaroo Kids Education, " Children, who are bullied might give in to peer pressure. They turn into introverts and it affects their self concept and performance in academics and sports as well. If bullying continues, a victim might suffer from depression and engage in several other antisocial behaviours." Children are constantly looking for social conformity and when a child is bullied, he starts thinking he is a social outcast.

" The victim is not able to defend himself and fight for his basic rights. The bully too has low self esteem, but he manages to get a high by bringing others down. But there could be various other factors such as culture, past experience or the disciplining methods used.

THE BULLY

WHILE SOME parents are quite proud of the fact that their child is the uncrowned punk of the school, there are others who fret and fume over their child's behaviour. " Parents generally have mixed reactions. Some are okay with it and think these are leadership skills, while some are embarrassed and like to work on the child along with school professionals," says Kanwar. Some children bully because they have been isolated and have a deep need for belonging but they do not possess the social skills to effectively make and keep friends. So be cool with your child, the following tips might come handy:- Don't overreact: Whatever be your feelings, just don't overreact, say experts. So hold your reins, take a deep breath and think logically. " Shouting at your child in public, especially in front of his friends and teachers is not a solution. Sit with your child and think of a way out," says Kumar.

Talk to your child: It is important that your child should feel responsible for his actions. For instance, if he has beaten up a physically weaker kid for no reason, he should realise it's wrong. " Only the parents can make the child realise this. The only condition, they have to devote a lot of time to their children," says Kumar.

Anger management: Bullies need to know how to control their temper. They might hit another child or even their parents ( mother, siblings, grandmother... anyone they can overpower) in a fit of rage. The reaction time of the child to a particular situation has to be delayed.

And a good way of managing your child's anger is by simulating a particular situation. " You could enact this typical motherchild TV scene," says Kumar. The scene is quite common these days: The child is watching TV, the mother asks him to switch it off. The child ignores. The mother repeats this several times but the reprimands fall on deaf ears. Exasperated, she switches off the television. The child gets furious and throws the remote on the ground and breaks it.

" You could enact this scene with your child and logically work out a solution to this particular issue. Get creative and come up with new ideas. You will be surprised to see how your child comes up with new, innovative solutions for solving the problem," she says.

Channelise energy: Kusum Kanwar says that at Billabong High School, Mumbai, ( a part of Kangaroo Kids), they have a unique way of handling bullies.

" We have warning slips issued to the child and he is given a fortnight to improve. Failing to do so, the child chooses a consequence.

He might be asked to prepare a presentation on bullying and its effects. They are also asked to stay back in school and help in the school library or engage in community services in orphanages or old age home.

This channelises their energy and they understand the importance of being humble and noble," says Kanwar.

THE BULLIED

NOW DIGEST this, a 13- yearold boy tried slashing his wrists just because he was dark. " Children can be very cruel at times," observes psychologist Anu Goel, who handled this boy's case.

" A group of students in his class teased him about his complexion.

They had banned all the students from talking to him because he didn't look good. He told his parents about it, but they were helpless. They themselves said things like, ' Thank God our daughter is not dark,' when the boy's baby sister was born," says Goel.

Result? The boy attempted suicide but was thankfully saved. After six months of cognitive behavioural therapy, the boy now lives a normal life and even has a bunch of like- minded friends.

Be positive: Instead of accepting and cribbing about your child's weaknesses, be positive about him. If children are still being teased about their skin colour, it is just wrong, says Goel.

" Bullies usually target children who have a very negative body language ( stooping, avoiding eye contact). Parents are responsible for a child's negative behaviour.

They should try and understand why it is so easy for bullies to treat their child like a doormat.

Home sweet home: If you have a positive atmosphere at home, where a child is able to express himself freely, half of your problem is solved. Be your child's friend, so that he comes back home and automatically tells you what happened in school.

Hear out your child and help him nurse his wounds.

The payback: For Apar Bansal, 19, it has been a long painful struggle. On the first day of engineering college, two years back, he was sexually abused by a bunch of bullies in his college. " I didn't fight those boys and my parents chickened out too from filing a police case," says Bansal, who left engineering soon after the incident. " I was so traumatised I used to get five fits in a day and needed counselling. I fought back by topping the industrial designing course, besides studying for English honours from Delhi University. I am also working with the NGO, Expressions India," he says. He requested Mail Today not to withhold his name. " I want people to know I fought back," he says. Though he rues the fact that his parents did not file a police complaint against the boys, he says they gave him all the strength to fight back.

Fighting back is essential — and it does not have to be a physical fight. If there's support from parents too, it might be all it takes to restore a child's lost self- esteem.

anindita. choudhury@ mailtoday. in

Bullied children give into peer pressure and turn introverts. If it goes on for long, the child may engage in antisocial behaviour

— Kusum Kanwar, operations head, Kangaroo Kids Education